The finale of Conjuring 2 circles around Ed being stalked by The Nun in a race against time with Lorraine frantically trying to find a way to defeat the demon. In this powerful climactic scene, Lorraine proclaims "your name gives me dominion over you demon, and I do know your name!", and as soon as Lorraine calls out The Nun by its name, it is condemned back to hell. As a child, I was totally convinced from watching Hindi horror movies that I needed to recite the Hanuman Chalisa by heart if I was to scare away the ghosts beneath my bed (spoiler: I still don't know the entire mantra by heart). The second Conjuring movie didn't go the prayer/exorcism route - it was based on a simple premise that once the 'unknown' is identified, it ceases to be horror. Once you remove the lighting effects, the spooky soundtrack, and the heavy makeup, you 'know' that there is just a person underneath and nothing to fear.
My sister once asked my uncle why human beings are scared of the dark (I don't know what age she was, from all accounts she was a child and wise beyond her age). He replied, "We are scared of the dark because we don't know what's in there, and we always fear the unknown. Once we turn on the lights, we are sure and unafraid." A poignant answer indeed, though I am only understanding the weight behind those words now.
Sometime around the final year of my engineering, I started smoking. Though I was never a chain smoker and only smoked when drunk, I also knew that smoking didn't really feel 'cool' as I thought it would. Every now and then I'd promise myself I'd never smoke again (didn't have any physical withdrawal symptoms which helped). When the boys gathered for a Friday night celebration and brought out the drinks, I'd initially claim I was abstaining and would just observe everyone having fun.
"C'mon man, it's just one drink."
That one sip would take away my dignity and make me feel the like the worthless slug at the bottom of a bottomless pit. I'd grab my hands full of anything I could reach - junk food, alcohol, cigarettes, weed. I already feel shitty anyway so let me numb this feeling even more.
"Hey man, isn't that your third cigarette in the last 5 minutes?"
My friend's thoughts pierced into my soul. Never had I ever 'wasted' a freshly lit cigarette into the ashtray and never have I since. For all my self-rationalization of smoking only occasionally, here I was an addict in practical observation. That was about 7-8 months ago. I never understood why, despite never having cravings for smoking on any other day, I would go on an all-out bender the moment I took a single puff. Until now.
Recently, I had been conversing with ChatGPT (the only therapist I can afford :sob:) and it suggested a peculiar term called 'abstinence violation effect'. From what I've understood with my limited knowledge, it's an effect in which an abstaining person, at the first sight of a possible relapse, goes into the mode of "I already failed, so I may as well extract maximum relief". My friends who didn't see smoking once as 'relapsing', were okay with just that, but I, being the self-identified abstaining person, couldn't handle the feeling of calling myself a failure.
Abstinence Violation Effect.
As soon as I was able to label this feeling, I realized similar patterns in my other behaviors too. I would abstain from using my phone for a day, and feel awesome having managed that feat. Yet, the next time I scrolled reels for even 15 minutes, my brain went into overdrive declaring I'm worthless for going back to my phone addiction, and trapped me into another social media session of over 2-4 hours.
Abstinence Violation Effect.
"When abstinence violation occurs, individuals typically enter a state of cognitive dissonance, defined as an aversive experience resulting from the discrepancy created by having two or more simultaneous and inconsistent cognitions. Abstinence violators realize that their actions (e.g. “I drank”) do not line up with their personal goal (e.g. “I want to abstain”) and feel compelled to resolve the discrepancy." - 2013, Principles of Addiction
Abstinence Violation Effect.
"Put simply, the AVE (Abstinence Violation Effect) occurs when a client perceives no intermediary step between a lapse and a relapse. For example, overeaters may have an AVE when they express to themselves, “one slice of cheesecake is a lapse, so I may as well go all-out, and have the rest of the cheesecake.” That is, since they have violated the rule of abstinence, they “may as well” get the most out of the lapse." - 2002, Encyclopedia of Psychotherapy
It's just been three days since I labelled my inner demon. And in these three days I feel slightly more powerful, that even if I find myself indulging in some celebrity gossip videos, I can curse the AVE demon and jump out of my bed. To the reader, it might seem like one of those new year resolutions that I will give up on by the next week. But inside, I know. I feel. Years of not finding out "what's wrong with me", and now knowing that not only is there a name I can attach to this feeling, but there are many going through their own personal battles. I feel empathy for the alcoholic uncle in my neighborhood who just can't stop drinking when he gets it going. Deep down we are the same.
Turn on the lights. Label your demons. Recognize when they are trying to plunder your self-esteem and call them out by their name.